Children and Grief

Do children grieve?

Like adults, children grieve a loss. Some can also grieve quite deeply.

The way that their grief is expressed can be different from adults and it can be quite spasmodic - sometimes you may think they are back to normal and then you see changes in their personality again. These changes can include becoming angry or withdrawn.

It is important for children to express their grief because this helps with the healing.

Unfortunately children will often try to hide their expressions of grief (like crying) from those around them. You may need to give them permission to express their emotions by explaining that these emotions are really normal and talking about it.

Let them know what you are feeling as well and don't forget to give yourself some time to grieve as well as looking after the children!

How do we help the children?

Being clear and honest with children is important. Answer their questions clearly and honestly. Saying things like "Joe is sleeping" or "has passed away" are not easily understood by children and can be quite meaningless. Be especially careful about saying things like "Joe was taken from us" because this can be quite frightening for the children.

Keep them involved in the entire process so that their are no surprises. It is good to let them know what will happen at the funeral and that people will be sad and crying. Give them persmission to feel sad and cry if they want to.

Involve the children in the funeral - ask them if they want to write a note or create a drawing to place in the coffin. Some may even want to write a personal tribute that can be used in the funeral service.

Don't forget that they are children!

Talk to them at their level and use words that they understand. You do not need to fill in all of the detail each time - just answer what they want to know in their language. An example might be "Pa Joe was very sick and his body wouldn't work anymore and so he died. We are all very sad." If the children ask questions that you cannot answer, say so - do not lie or cover it up. If the question is very important to the child you may need to seek professional assistance to answer it. Consider seeking assistance from professional grief counsellors. Unresolved grief can lead to greater issues later in life.

Even though they are children, if they understand what is going on, they will generally be able to cope with attending the funeral and should benefit from it. Children, like adults, need an outlet for their emotions and the funeral service will assist this. Ask them if they would like to attend and explain what will happen.

Our experience is that children attending a funeral cope well and benefit from the experience.

Different aged children

Younger children can feel guilty about a death thinking that they have been somehow responsible. Reassure them that the death was not their fault.

Older children and teenagers often want more involvement in the death of one of their peers. Consider how children write their names on a friend's plaster cast when a bone is broken. We have seen children benefit from being able to do the same thing on the outside of a coffin or on a cricket bat placed inside the coffin. Talk to the older children and give them permission to be involved and to suggest ways that this could happen. These ways could include putting together a Power Point show, a guard of honour or wearing the sporting team uniform.

Time

Children, like adults, need time to grieve. Support them as you support yourselves through this time. The process of grief is physically draining - don't forget to call upon others to help you.